speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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