he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
