FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
