So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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