Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
