Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
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There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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