literally had 100 drinks last night.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
