And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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