Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
