Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
