My first STD was from a foam party
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
