If i come over, it means nothing
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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