The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
