Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
