I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
