Please, let me fuck your mom
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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