You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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