She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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