At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
