I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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