there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
