I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
