i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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