then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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