i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
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I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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