Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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