I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
