You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
