You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
