Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
