when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
