its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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