Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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