Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
