haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
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Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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