i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
