Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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