My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
