If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
