I bet he comes in French.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
