My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
