I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
