My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
