Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
