rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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