i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
