I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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