his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
