She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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