yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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