does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i need an iv and a liver transplant
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
