the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
