I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
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she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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