Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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