Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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