I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
