My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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