The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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