I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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