The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
