Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
