my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
